We here at the Panther Press understand the busy schedules of our readers, so for your convenience, below are the top news stories from Pantherland.

Mediocre Turnout for Track Meets Makes Coach Cry

            Seeing English 9 teacher Mr. O’Rourke smile is almost as rare as getting the “Star-Spangled Panther” on the same day as chicken tortilla soup. However, when the USC track team recently had a record student section turnout of 14 people, many witnesses claim to see tears of joy running down the tiny teacher’s face. “It’s not often you see this many Panthers supporting our track team,” said Coach O’Rourke, “it almost seems as if people are actually starting to care about our sport.” While the turnout for previous meets averaged between 6-9 students, the 14 students who lined the fence on Tuesday, April 5th, made the team feel as if their 0-6 record was not in vain.

USC Nerds Push to Make a Varsity Call of Duty Team

While most people think the Athletic Office is for those who lift weights and play real sports, the latest addition to the USC team-sports roster is like nothing seen before. Led by senior Zach Nahorski, USC has officially started a varsity Call of Duty team. “We are looking for high-caliber players who are willing to put in the time and effort to become the best of the best,” said the team captain.  He stressed that “each one of our players must log about ten hours per day into the game to hone their skills. They must eat, sleep, and breath Call of Duty. If they aren’t watching live streams on their phones in all their classes, they aren’t doing enough.” In order to try out for the team, each player must maintain a C average in all their classes and have at least one real life friend (yes, your mom counts). With their local sponsors: V8 Juice, Totino’s Pizza Rolls, and Fruit of the Loom, the newest pack of Panthers is sure to dominate the competition.

“We’ve had them all along”: Lunch Lady Comes Clean About Regular Pop-Tarts

            There was once a time where the Pop-Tarts at school did not come with the words “whole wheat” on them or inside a plastic wrapper full of disappointment. Unfortunately, the tasty Tarts in their purest, unnatural form have not been seen on cafeteria shelves for quite a while. While investigating where the originals went, one lunch lady (who wishes to remain anonymous) came clean to me about their whereabouts. I cannot reveal the exact location of the Tarts, however, because I am still tracking down possible leads. So far, all roads seem to lead to Mr. Z. (not Rome, this is Honors American History), but I will give an update as soon as I solve this mystery.

2 Hour Long Bathroom Break Linked to Aggressive Mobile Gaming

            There are few things junior Tom Bash likes more than bagels, bowling, and baseball, yet mobile games by Supercell are one of them. Switching between his Clash of Clans accounts

(Tom(baseball emoji) and ***BB***) and his Clash Royal account (Tom), Tommy has a lot on his plate, with high-performance expectations to boot. Unfortunately, on April 16th, during his 5-6 Spanish class, Tom took one of the longest recorded bathroom breaks in the history of Upper St. Clair High School. After returning to class, forty-eight minutes later, his teacher knew something was up. “I told her I had some really bad bathroom problems, yet she didn’t seem to believe me,” he offered. “In reality I had to do a combined four attacks in our clan war and earn all my chests in Clash Royal. Our clan is an attack twice or be kicked, so I couldn’t risk it.” After asking him about his 16 mods of detention, he denies any regrets and explains that his combined 12 stars helped win the clan war and he managed to bump up to arena 4, proving his stinky expedition was well worth it.