Forget your dog’s voracious appetite, fake dead relatives, and a phony religion: the new excuse for not doing your homework is allergies. High School students are now coming down with a special type of allergies that keep them from doing their homework. Teachers, administrators and doctors are all working frantically for a solution to this problem, which is becoming a worldwide issue. Educational experts also worry that the problem may somehow spread to classwork and tests, causing mankind to suffer from a massive education crisis.
Says student Noah Moarwerk, “I would love nothing better than to do my homework. But every time I sit down to do it, I begin fidgeting, and if I ignore my symptoms, I eventually begin drooling and my eyes glaze over. The only thing that cures it is a nap, several hours of YouTube videos, and a bag of cheese curls, and believe me, I’ve tried everything: doctors, medicines, and even an epipen. Nothing works.”
Noah is not alone; this terrible affliction affects almost all students at one time or another. According to experts, the severity of the allergies directly correlates to the student’s exposure to homework. High school juniors and college students are at especially high risk for homework allergies.
Educators worry that this problem will affect students’ ability to learn even in class. Without doing any homework, students who suffer from these allergies miss out on projects and often perform badly on tests. Ms. Ireland, an English teacher, said, “I don’t actually assign much homework, so my students are fine. But many of my colleagues have to severely edit their curriculum in order to keep the lagging students on board.”
The College Board recently commented on this crisis, saying that their iconic AP curricula will have to be seriously changed in order to cope with this growing trend of allergies in higher level students, and universities have begun complaining that the health problems put graduating seniors at a serious disadvantage for entrance into institutions of higher education.
All in all, education is in crisis mode. School psychologists, however, think they might have a cure; make homework more interesting. They are convinced that students will not suffer from the symptoms of their allergies if their homework is on YouTube, for instance. “If teachers make homework less textbook-based and more focused on entertainment, students might be able to avoid their allergies long enough to get work done,” says psychologist Dr. Chase.
He warns that this might only be a superficial solution, however; students will still have their homework allergies, just masked by a really clever mode of assigning work. “It is important to keep in mind that students may still have to interrupt their work with a very long nap.”
Teachers, faced with this solution, are understandably upset. “Colleges aren’t going to lower their standards simply because kids have homework allergies. The students simply have to learn to live with their problems,” said Ms. Ireland.
Other teachers are still calling for a medical solution to the problem, citing this crisis in education as a problem with the magnitude of avian bird flu or chickenpox. There is still doubt among many teachers about the validity of these allergies, as well.
As Mr. Ault put it, “Really? Homework allergies? I’d be more sympathetic if your imaginary friend died. And I’m not insensitive; I just don’t care.”